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I think I should continue the story as it does turn out to be quite interesting, but…

the challenge for me is that all of this is just a story and, in a sense, none of it matters.  True, it can be entertaining, and also true, I do now and have for a long period of time felt drawn to the telling of this story, but…

I’ve heard it said, at least a hundred times, possibly a thousand times, possibly more, that to awaken to one’s true self it’s beneficial, possibly necessary, to die before you die. Adya, I think, also says that we all awaken, that none of us make it out of here without confronting our true self.  I think what he means by that is that when the Body dies, the Mind dies, thus the Ego dies, and we’re back to where we started just as we turn to dust.  But (again) that event can be predicted to be so short and, to me, it even suggests that one might not be aware or conscious enough to understand what is happening.  As T.S. Elliot said, “We had the experience but missed the meaning.”  I guess I don’t want to miss the meaning.

I’m slow.  It took me up until this week to really understand this die before you die stuff.  I was visualizing this occurrence with a strong sense of the Body, and I suppose the Self, dying, and maybe it’s the same thing as the Ego dying but what I really believe, now, is that it is the Ego.  Again, I’m slow.  The Ego is a creation made up of : Bias’s; preferences, opinions, experiences, beliefs, desires, etc., for the purpose of distraction and experience.  It’s layered upon the Essence. It’s the Costume.  It’s the conditioning.  And, like Jed says, none of it’s true in an absolute sense, only in a relative sense.  It’s all false.  So, you scrape it away and get back to the preconditioned state.  I was thinking aloud that then I could rebuild according to my own desires instead of those of my parents and society but, is that possible?  And Judith said, “Don’t rebuild.”

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