Happiness?

I have this picture of myself that was taken around sunrise my last morning in Mexico.  I just recently “found” it while I was restoring a crashed computer; I don’t think I’d ever seen it before so it’s a timely reminder from The Universe.  In it, I look more than happy.  In it, I look like I’ve found everything I’ve ever been searching for.  Now, two-and-a-half months later, I’m almost in a rage.  I’ve lost it.  This was all predicted by my close friend.  Such wisdom.

To Be

So they'd know who they found.

Is there a goal, a purpose, a reason?  I suppose, for me,  it’s to be happy or content, not stupid happy but aware happy or maybe just aware and then “be” whatever that brings.  I agree with James Perry and Joseph Campbell and many others, I’m not here for you, or for them, or for “Him”; this isn’t an obligation.  We do all end up at the same dusty spot and if there is an understanding that has to do with “No Self” or the death of the ego, then we do all see the same thing at the end of this experience.  Duality.  Non-Duality.  Do I want to know my true self and does that mean killing my human self?  There’s much that has to do with this human experience that I value, attach to, and appreciate even without anticipating any suffering or “negative” at the loss of it.

Left Foot First

the way I was taught, the way I was conditioned.  It all starts with an essence and then this stuff gets wrapped around it, layered upon it.

I’ve had a good life, so far, no tragedies and only one regret; that being I wish I would have stopped at the farmer’s stand along the road near the almond grove on my last drive back from California to Colorado.  That thought stays with me.

When I left this life last January, I took up a home in Mexico about a 100 yard walk up a cobblestone street from the beach and the sea.  I’d get up, most mornings, between 4:30 and 5:30 (time changed), have my coffee on the front patio and chat with the agoutis and wild cats until I was stretched enough and awake enough to head down to the sand for my yoga, my run, or my meditation.  When I arrived there, I weighed in at about 210lbs but with the benefit of a simple life, I walked out weighing about 170lbs four months later.  That was a good feeling but not the real story which I’ll tell you later.

The Start

I’ve been on this “path” for a long time now, pretty much all my life. I guess it’s the same for each of us; we’re all on the path to the same place just taking different routes. Maybe it’s just a matter of becoming aware of that. Anyway, in January I was backed into a corner and had to “quit” my six-figure income job, which came a few years after my third divorce, losing a few hundred thousand dollars in the stock market, the forced sale of my house (at a time when the price was near bottom) so as to pay off the most recent ex. and a few other notable events. There was a little planning involved. Have you read any Joseph Campell? Someone came to me; at least I finally noticed that someone was calling to me, waving me into the woods. Once I saw her signalling, I took Mr. Campbell’s advice, disentangled myself as gently and quickly as I could, which came to mean not being totally honest with everybody. It also mean’t financial bankruptcy and some other painful (at the time) things. I’m thinking of that George Clooney movie now, “Up in the Air”, where he tells the terminated employess that this represents a real opportunity in their life. He was right.